Really happy to hear that you're doing better, Dan. Keep placing a priority on your mental health. You have a lot to offer the world. But you need to be in a good place first.
Dear Daniel - I have followed you for a while - and I know your life is full and rich - you are able to find a path through difficulties, and celebrate hope, and love, and happiness. But most of all, please know you are respected, and cared-for by many, even though you have not met us. You have done so much already, and the future is full of possibilities! We have your back! Louise
There’s something incredibly brave about the way you’ve laid this out, not polished, just honest. Five months of turbulence distilled into something that feels raw and real. I can’t imagine how much energy it must have taken to revisit November, to describe the shutdown, the spiraling, the crying, the existential dread, the exhaustion. It’s terrifying to discover new depths of your own suffering.
What really struck me is how hard you were trying even before things broke open. You weren’t passive in this. You tried coping mechanisms. You tried the apps. You tried reducing social media. You tried thinking your way out of it. For three years. That’s not failure, that’s persistence in the face of something that simply required more support than willpower and mindfulness could provide. There’s no shame in that.
The therapy consultation sounds incredibly vulnerable. To finally open yourself up after years of carrying things internally, only to hear “you need to change your thinking”, I can see how that would have felt flattening, even dismissive, especially when you were already hanging by a thread. You should be really proud of yourself for asking to switch therapists. That’s not easy to do, particularly when you’re fragile. That wasn’t weakness. That was self-protection.
The line that really stayed with me, though, was about genealogy and your research being your escape and then losing even that. When the one thing that quiets your mind no longer works, that’s such a lonely place to be. It makes so much sense that that was the final straw. I’m glad you listened to that signal instead of pushing through it.
And now “the seas are less choppy.” Not perfect. Just steadier. That’s real progress. Medication doesn’t erase who you are; it just gives you enough breathing room to be yourself again. And the fact that your GP noticed a change before you even said it says a lot.
But the most beautiful moment in this whole piece is those two words:
“I am.”
Not “I will be.” Not “I think so.” Not “I’m trying.”
I completely resonate with these thoughts, Paul. Thank you for articulating them so beautifully.
You must know, Dan, how deeply respected and supported you are here among genealogists and family historians. Your grace and kindness to newbies, stalwart defense of gravesites, and deeply empathetic explorations of the past have made us all better at what we do and better human beings.
At the same time, I think many of us could sense, even at a distance, that this would have to take a toll on you. I'm so glad you've found the incredible strength to push back on this first obstacle and get the help you needed.
To your two perfect words, "I am," I'm reminded of the difference in Spanish (and other Romance languages, I believe) between the two forms of the English verb "to be." One: "ser" denotes identity, as in "I am Daniel." The other, "estar," denotes a state of being, as in "I am a student" or "I am trying."
Too often, we say one when we mean the other. I'm glad you can be here now. We've missed you.
It is good to hear you are starting to feel better about things and gradually finding your way forward--the right way appropriate to you. It's lovely to have you back posting when you can.
👏 👏 👏 👏 wishing the best for you, Daniel. Keep reaching out for help and discovering all the parts of yourself that make you an amazing person. Here's a little poem I like to think about when times are hard.
Bravo!
So good that you're finding what works for you. Keep flourishing!
Thank goodness you got help!
Really happy to hear that you're doing better, Dan. Keep placing a priority on your mental health. You have a lot to offer the world. But you need to be in a good place first.
Dear Daniel - I have followed you for a while - and I know your life is full and rich - you are able to find a path through difficulties, and celebrate hope, and love, and happiness. But most of all, please know you are respected, and cared-for by many, even though you have not met us. You have done so much already, and the future is full of possibilities! We have your back! Louise
Daniel, thank you for writing this. Truly.
There’s something incredibly brave about the way you’ve laid this out, not polished, just honest. Five months of turbulence distilled into something that feels raw and real. I can’t imagine how much energy it must have taken to revisit November, to describe the shutdown, the spiraling, the crying, the existential dread, the exhaustion. It’s terrifying to discover new depths of your own suffering.
What really struck me is how hard you were trying even before things broke open. You weren’t passive in this. You tried coping mechanisms. You tried the apps. You tried reducing social media. You tried thinking your way out of it. For three years. That’s not failure, that’s persistence in the face of something that simply required more support than willpower and mindfulness could provide. There’s no shame in that.
The therapy consultation sounds incredibly vulnerable. To finally open yourself up after years of carrying things internally, only to hear “you need to change your thinking”, I can see how that would have felt flattening, even dismissive, especially when you were already hanging by a thread. You should be really proud of yourself for asking to switch therapists. That’s not easy to do, particularly when you’re fragile. That wasn’t weakness. That was self-protection.
The line that really stayed with me, though, was about genealogy and your research being your escape and then losing even that. When the one thing that quiets your mind no longer works, that’s such a lonely place to be. It makes so much sense that that was the final straw. I’m glad you listened to that signal instead of pushing through it.
And now “the seas are less choppy.” Not perfect. Just steadier. That’s real progress. Medication doesn’t erase who you are; it just gives you enough breathing room to be yourself again. And the fact that your GP noticed a change before you even said it says a lot.
But the most beautiful moment in this whole piece is those two words:
“I am.”
Not “I will be.” Not “I think so.” Not “I’m trying.”
“I am.”
That’s huge.
I completely resonate with these thoughts, Paul. Thank you for articulating them so beautifully.
You must know, Dan, how deeply respected and supported you are here among genealogists and family historians. Your grace and kindness to newbies, stalwart defense of gravesites, and deeply empathetic explorations of the past have made us all better at what we do and better human beings.
At the same time, I think many of us could sense, even at a distance, that this would have to take a toll on you. I'm so glad you've found the incredible strength to push back on this first obstacle and get the help you needed.
To your two perfect words, "I am," I'm reminded of the difference in Spanish (and other Romance languages, I believe) between the two forms of the English verb "to be." One: "ser" denotes identity, as in "I am Daniel." The other, "estar," denotes a state of being, as in "I am a student" or "I am trying."
Too often, we say one when we mean the other. I'm glad you can be here now. We've missed you.
Good for you for getting help! Hope it continues to work and things continue to improve
I loved reading this post, Daniel. So glad to hear you are doing much better. Keep going and follow your passions! Lynne in Canada :-)
I’m so glad you’re feeling better. You have been missed, but your well-being is the most important thing.
It is good to hear you are starting to feel better about things and gradually finding your way forward--the right way appropriate to you. It's lovely to have you back posting when you can.
👏 👏 👏 👏 wishing the best for you, Daniel. Keep reaching out for help and discovering all the parts of yourself that make you an amazing person. Here's a little poem I like to think about when times are hard.
A Drama in two halves.
I dim.
I dim.
I have no doubt
If someone blew
I would go out.
*****
I did not
I must be brighter than I thought
- Carol Lynn Pearson